Introducing Polymathic J

Well, I've introduced The Buddhist & The Bastard, but I never really introduced myself. So, in the interest of rectifying that (and because I haven't had much time to write lately), I give you "25 Random Things About Me," something that was circulating around Facebook a year ago (this was originally released January 31st, 2009). I suppose this means that most of you have already read it, but there are finally at least a few people reading this blog who don't know me at all (woo-hoo!), so this one's for you guys. Thanks for the support. Hope it amuses you.
Oh, and for those of you who know me, just refer to me as J here in the Garden. No need for people to know too much about my crazy ass.

I hear undead syphilitic hookers will devour my friends and family if I don’t join in on this thing, so here goes. So if I tagged you in this (Facebook users), you're supposed to make your own list. But don't feel obligated. I'm sure your loved ones will enjoy being VD-carrying zombies.

1. I have 20/800 vision in my right eye and 20/850 in my left. Let’s put this in perspective: Find something 800 feet away. See how blurry that is? That’s how clearly I see something 20 feet away. And that’s my good eye. I’m so blind that I’ve only met one person who has vision worse than me, and he was legally blind (no joke).

2. I make a list every year of all the books I read. I hear my Grandma did this too, although I struck upon the idea independently. Last year’s total: 7 (by far an all-time low). This year’s total thus far: 5.

3. I’m afraid of heights. This does not stop me from wanting to skydive, although I imagine I’d need help out of the door. And I’d probably piss myself. Sorry instructor guy.

4. I miss California immensely, and my home town even more so. I miss living in the woods.

5. I believe that Coke is the nectar of the gods (Screw ambrosia! Who even knows what that is?!). Give me a Pepsi when I ask for a Coke, and you risk losing an eye.

6. I believe that, when viewed objectively, sex is just about the silliest act one can commit. This does not stop me from enjoying it.

7. Speaking of sex, if I was forced to have hairy man-sex, I’d probably pick Colin Ferguson (he plays Sheriff Carter on the show Eureka) to be my first. He seems like he’d be gentle. That said, I’d much prefer some alone time with his castmate, Salli Richardson. What a babe!

8. I love all things Anthony Bourdain. If you have the Travel Channel and aren't watching No Reservations (Monday nights!) then you should be thrown in jail. Just finished his book, Kitchen Confidential, and loved every second of it. I seriously don’t recall ever laughing out loud so much while reading. In fact, on one occasion I literally had to bite my fingers to keep from waking my girlfriend.

9. Speaking of my girlfriend, she is the best. I’m totally retarded for her.

10. I believe that everyone (but especially the wealthy) should be forced to live off of a crappy job like Pizza Hut for at least a year or two. I think the world would be a kinder place as a result.

11. I have a relatively large tattoo on my back, and hope to one day have the money to get the rest of it covered (my back, not the tattoo).

12. My dream is to write a book. If it gets published and you don’t buy it, I will come find you.

13. I think the phrase “drugs and alcohol” is a farce. I’m sorry to inform you that if you honestly believe that alcohol is not a drug, well, you’re a moron.

14. If I had three wishes, one of them would probably be spent on going back in time and convincing myself that no, that mullet does not look good on me. In fact, I’d just buy myself a new wardrobe (and glasses). And then I’d chastise my parents for allowing me to walk around looking like the world’s biggest dork. Never let anyone tell you that personality doesn’t go a long way, because I never would have had girlfriends if it didn’t.

15. If forced to choose between saving a drowning dog and a drowning human, I honestly don’t know who would get saved. This should tell you three things. 1. I love animals. 2. I don’t have much respect for humans. 3. You should really learn to swim.

16. I love the Niners and Sharks. They make September through May/June worth living through (although it does get a bit depressing seeing the Niners suck and the Sharks lose in the second round every year). The absence of football and hockey is one of the reasons I’m not a fan of summer.

17. I think Hawaii is the most overrated vacation destination of all time. Been there twice, was unimpressed both times (although snorkeling in Cook’s Cove was, admittedly, a hell of a lot of fun). Want a better tropical destination? Try Costa Rica. It’s probably cheaper, too.

18. I finally got to visit Italy a little over a year ago. I fell in love with Venice. If I’m ever filthy rich, I’m totally buying an apartment there. Preferably on the top floor. And Michelangelo’s David? The most awe-inspiring work of art I have ever witnessed with my own two eyes. It’s perfection almost (almost!) brought tears to my eyes.

19. I love America, but anyone who says we’re the greatest country in the world has never been out of this country. We’ve got a great country, and it may be the one you prefer above all others, but it is definitely a fixer-upper in need of a lot of work.

20. I like cupcakes.

21. I am an unrepentant geek. I love comics, Harry Potter, and Firefly. Wanna fight about it?

22. The Beatles are unquestionably my favorite group of all time. Despite that, my favorite genre of music is hip-hop. This honky got some soul, na’mean? (For you crackers in the crowd, that means “Do you understand what I mean, fine ladies and distinguished gentlemen?” And yes, I use it ironically. Have you seen me?! I’m practically an albino!)

23. I am, on rare occasions, a smart ass. (wink, wink)

24. I am, on frequent occasions, a pompous ass.

25. I believe the fact that I only got about 5 ½ hours of sleep last night may have slightly affected the tone of this list.