The Bastard: 50 Ways To Be a Special Roommate

In honor of my obnoxious roommate (who seems to be slowly moving out!), I give you this list, originally published on January 6th, 2009.

1. Take your roommate’s shit without asking. They’ll appreciate the lack of clutter that you’ve helped them achieve.

2. Use all the hot water. It loosens up the skin, so your roomies will thank you for the tight, firm skin provided by the ice-cold water they will be forced to use after you’ve finished creating your own personal sauna.

3. If you have a significant other, do your best to scream at them on a daily basis. This will provide a sense of structure to your roommate’s day, providing joy and comfort. Makes sure the arguments are completely superfluous and imbecilic. And don’t forget: you can never be loud enough!

4. Eat whatever you want out of the fridge. This will help them eat less, keeping them slim and in shape. Make sure not to replace it! That would defeat the purpose.

5. Never leave the house. Your roommates will appreciate your constant presence.

6. Anticipate your roommate’s actions. If you think they’re heading for the tiny kitchen you share, get there first. If you think they want to do laundry, sneak a load in before them.

7. Speaking of laundry, do it every day. Every day! If possible, do it while they are in the shower, stealing the modicum of hot water that you may have accidentally left after your own shower.

8. Buy annoying pets that bark at the slightest provocation and piss on your roommate’s bed. The urine is essential to making them feel like a part of the family.

9. If your roommates have pets, make sure your pet eats as much of their food as possible. I recommend not feeding your own pet to facilitate this.

10. Invite your friends to stay over for indefinite periods of time. Your roommates will appreciate the extra company and thank you for introducing them to new and exciting homeless people.

11. Speaking of which, make obnoxious friends, and bring them over constantly. This will keep your roommates on their toes, helping to keep their minds nimble.

12. Buy a small refrigerator and freezer, then stuff it as full as you can. See #4 for reasoning.

13. Leave your stuff everywhere. Does your roommate have a bookshelf in the living room? Put picture frames on it. Do they have their own bathroom? Put some random nick-knacks in it, despite never using it.

14. Remember: toilet paper is evil. Take one for the team and use as much as possible to save them from a papery death. Never offer to replace the thin little bits of evil, but if you must, buy single-ply. And remember, the texture you’re aiming for is sandpaper.

15. Keep the door locked at all times, even when you’re home. You never know when that serial rapist might come around. This is especially essential if your roommates have gone shopping at Costco.

16. When cooking, never clean your mess. Roommates, by nature, love to clean, especially other people’s messes. A filthy kitchen is to a roommate what crack is to a crackhead.

17. If you borrow a movie, make sure not to return it. Leave them lying around the house. Roommates love a scavenger hunt.

18. If your roommate is a recovering alcoholic, do your best to drink in front of them as much as possible. This will strengthen their willpower.

19. Leave all the lights on that you can. Leave up (and use!) your Christmas lights until mid-June. (If your roommate is the aforementioned alcoholic, this will help them stay too broke to afford to fall off the wagon.)

20. In winter, keep the thermostat at a mild 85 degrees. In summer, 55 should do nicely.

21. If you get up before your roommates, be as loud as you can. Stand outside their door and loudly talk on your cell phone, slam cupboard doors, or yell at your dog to be quiet. And please, think of this as the perfect time for one of those loud fights with your significant other.

22. Remember: the sound of slamming doors is like the laughter of children to a roommate’s ears.

23. Buy as much useless crap as you can, then spread it all over the house. Nothing livens up the living room like an empty Corona bottle piñata.

24. Never get the mail. If you can, throw out or hide their credit card statements. They're stressful!

25. Buy four cars. The lack of parking will encourage your roommates to buy bikes, thus helping them stay fit. Fill your garage with boxes if you have to.

26. Use whatever you want, whenever you want. Asking is for pussies.

27. Never forget the first rule of roommates: Mi underwear es su underwear.

28. Leave your cat’s vomit on the floor for at least a month. Ask it to pay rent.

29. Move their shit around. Tell them a ghost did it.

30. Watch movies in the middle of the night. Make sure that subwoofer is turned up all the way! It will rumble them to sleep like wee little babies.

31. Use their wardrobe to soak up the oil on the driveway. They need new clothes anyway.

32. Do your best to interrupt them during coitus/masturbation as much as possible. It adds adventure to their experience.

33. Are your roommates allergic to pollen? Sounds like someone needs a get-well bouquet!

34. Have Tivo? Delete their shows. That’s what repeats are for. Besides, it’ll give them time to finish that book they’ve been reading.

35. Break something, then throw it out. Deny all knowledge of said item.

36. Never, under any circumstances, break down cardboard boxes before putting them in the recycling or trash.

37. Never take a crap in your own bathroom. That's what their bathroom is for. (Remember #14?)

38. Buy them something they hate, then act hurt when they thank you in an obviously insincere manner.

39. Change the locks. Forget to give them a copy of the new key. The best time for this is winter.

40. Use all the milk. When asked to buy more, conveniently “forget” to do so until they get fed up and buy it themselves.

41. Over the course of the year, slowly steal money out of their change jar.

42. Have sex with your door open. When they pass by, call them a pervert. Or invite them in. If they agree, ask them how they feel about being anally penetrated by large household items.

43. If your roommate is single, set him up on a date with the ugliest friend you can find. Forget to tell him that “Shannon” is actually a dude.

44. Institute casual Fridays. Wear nothing but flip-flops.

45. When watching the game, flip to Lifetime during the most crucial moment. Tell them you need a quick, cleansing cry.

46. Have pink eye? Fart on their pillow.

47. Put up a live webcam in their room. Neglect to tell them.

48. Sneak into their room to watch them sleep. If they wake up and freak out, tell them they never minded before. Pants optional.

49. Use their computer to look at porn sites. When asked, deny all knowledge of hornyseptuagenarianbeastlovers.com.

50. Never, ever treat them like a human being worthy of compassion and respect. All roommates are masochists. Otherwise, why the hell would they be living with you?