Musicopia: A Guided Tour Through Polymathic J's Music Collection - The A's

I’ve had a bitch of a time trying to write lately. The thoughts just aren’t flowing well for me, whether I try writing fiction or non-fiction. It’s been frustrating, to say the least.
But it occurred to me that one of the maxims of writing is “write what you know.” I’ve always assumed this was meant mainly for fiction writers, but it occurs to me that there’s one subject that I know quite a bit about: music.
I may not be versed in the technical aspects of music, but I love it. I mean love it. My autobiographical memory sucks, but I can tell you that the first time I heard The Cardigans’s “Lovefool” was in high school at my friend Kate’s house and that it was featured on the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack. I can tell you that I acquired The Fugees’s album The Score in 1996 right before taking a summer trip to Europe to compete in a track and field tour (and that I listened to it incessantly on that trip). And I can remember that on the way home from what must have been a Warriors game when I was about 8, my dad blasted a little Prince to screw with us and wake us up. Some of my earliest memories are of watching MTV (y’know, back when they actually played music 99% of the time), like the time my cousin Chris was babysitting me and wanted to watch the just-premiered “Thriller” video, which scared the ever-lovin’ shit out of me.
I can’t explain it, but music imprints itself on my brain like nothing else. As such, it often fills in the gaps that I seem to find in my past. A good song reminds me of the thoughts and feelings I had when I used to listen to it, of my girlfriend at the time, of what stage of my life I was in when I first fell in love with the song. Music is dear to me in a way that nothing else is.
This is probably why I’m a glutton for it. I will never, ever have enough music. My current collection consists of approximately 13,000 songs, and covers almost every genre of music possible. I love pretty much everything, as long as it’s good (and sometimes even when it’s not), and I love to share it with others. My dream job would probably be DJing on a station that would allow me to play anything I wanted, regardless of genre or explicit lyrics, or perhaps being an executive for a record company, greenlighting great new acts. That ain’t happening, but I thought it would be fun to share my collection with you through my blog.
And so I present to you “Musicopia: A Guided Tour Through Polymathic J’s Music Collection.” Over a series of (who knows how many) blogs I’m going to share my favorite songs and bands, regardless of their cool quotient. If I love it, I’m mentioning it, and, hopefully, providing links to places where you can listen to it. It won’t be my entire collection, of course, but it will be an excellent cross-section of it.
Feel free to give me shit for the bad songs; I won’t care one bit. And feel free to suggest songs and artists that you feel I’m missing out on. Believe me when I say that I’m not a music snob. Why bother limiting myself to what other people think is good when I’ve got excellent taste in music, thank you very much? I’ll give anything a fair go, and I think the diversity of my collection reflects that.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Here come the A’s. (Note: When I say A’s, I mean iTunes A’s, so Al Green is an A, not a G. Also, I'm breaking this in half, because the A's are exceptionally long.)

The first song on the list is the first song in my collection: a-ha’s “Take On Me”. I was born in ’79, so the first decade I remember is the 80s, and man did I love the 80s. Saturday morning cartoons, kick ass toys that were actually made out of metal rather than cheap plastic (my Optimus Prime was, anyway), and the birth and Golden Age of MTV. What a great time to be a kid.
This song is quintessential 80s, and so is the video. Back then it was a pretty high-tech achievement mixing live action with animation, so this was one of those videos that grabbed everyone’s attention and held it. And c’mon, you gotta love the use of the 80s’ favorite musical tool, the synthesizer.

The next entry is a band, not a song: AC/DC. Until recently, my AC/DC knowledge was gleaned from one album, AC/DC Live, which is essentially a greatest hits album. It’s a great album, but it’s not enough. I recently acquired the album T.N.T. and my suspicions were confirmed—I need everything they’ve ever made, ‘cause they kick some serious ass. In fact, I think they just managed to become my favorite rock band. Period.
This, my friends, is high voltage rock ‘n’ roll. Whether it’s the exceptional guitar playing of the Young brothers (especially Angus), the band turning the volume up to 11, or the in-your-face vocals of Bon Scott and, later, Brian Johnson, AC/DC is everything a rock band is supposed to be. I was going to say that the song “School Days” seems to be a modern day Chuck Berry song until a little research showed me that it actually is a Chuck Berry song. Regardless, AC/DC obviously respects their forebears, and "It’s a Long Way To the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)" even features some kick ass bagpiping. Yes, bagpiping. Now I’m cool with bagpipes, but you know your band is bad-freakin’-ass when you make the bagpipes rock.
Want your AC/DC fix? Here are a handful of my favorite songs: the epically awesome "T.N.T.", the hard-hitting "Thunderstruck", the classic "Back In Black" and, of course, the bane of every religious parent’s existence, "Highway To Hell". Enjoy.

"Goody Two Shoes" by Adam Ant is another 80s favorite. A little repetitive, sure, but it’s nice and upbeat and I love me some horns.

Aerosmith has had a lengthy career, and I’d like to personally thank them for featuring Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler in their videos smack dab in the middle of my adolescence, but I have to say that I feel that they’ve sold out in their later years. Nevertheless, "Dream On" will always be a rock classic. And you’ve got to give them credit for helping to legitimize hip-hop by teaming up with Run D.M.C. on a video that literally broke down the barriers between rock and rap.

Shame on you if you have a discussion about classic hip-hop without mentioning Afrika Bambaataa’s "Planet Rock". This was one of those watershed songs that changed the face of what hip-hop/electro/freestyle was considered to be. And you just can’t go wrong with Afrika Bambaataa and the Soulsonic Force’s Parliament-style costumes. The only thing missing is Bootsy Collins on the stage in a diaper.

Ahmad’s "Back In the Day" has been a favorite of mine since it came out in ’94. Sampling Teddy Pendergrass’s music definitely doesn’t hurt, especially when it so perfectly complements the tone of his lyrics. I was all set to call him a one-hit wonder, but I just discovered that Ahmad is back and killing it! Fittingly, his style has grown, and he is, in my opinion, a much stronger rapper than he was back in the day. Check out his new stuff!

I love me some soul music, and one of soul music’s greats is Al Green. I first got to know him through the Pulp Fiction soundtrack (Quentin Tarantino knows his music, boys and girls), specifically the scene where Butch and Marcellus have a little pre-fight discussion while "Let’s Stay Together" plays in the background. It’s been a real love affair since then, as in "Love & Happiness", and “L-O-V-E (LOVE)”, which, tragically, I can’t seem to find anywhere. And when I found out the ol’ Reverend Al had a new album out with tracks featuring Anthony Hamilton ("Lay It Down", just about the most pimpin’ song ever) and Corinne Bailey Rae ("Take Your Time") I just about had a stroke. Modern classics, if ever there were any. Too bad my girlfriend doesn’t recognize how damn sexy these songs are.

No list would be complete without mention of one of the original shock rockers, Alice Cooper. I’m not too familiar with his stuff, but "I’m Eighteen" is all kinds of good, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t committed one of the ultimate college cliché’s, turning up my speakers after the last final of my freshman year and blasting "School’s Out" out of my dorm room window.

I can’t say that Alice In Chains is high on my list of bands to listen to (I’ve only got four of their songs), but any fool can see that songs like "Would?" and "Man In the Box" are worth throwing on the ol’ iPod. “Man In the Box” rocks especially hard. I love the way Layne Stanley belts out the chorus.

I wouldn’t say I’m a huge fan of Alicia Keys, but I definitely respect her. She’s got a great voice, she writes her own music, she plays a mean piano (and a bevy of other instruments as well), she’s intelligent and she doesn’t shake her ass in order to fuel her popularity. In short, in a world full of Britney Spears’s and Fergie’s, she’s setting an excellent example for the youthful girls of America.
And she’s hot. Smokin’ hot.
But that’s beside the point. She’s a musician in an industry full of image-conscious personalities, and she should be applauded for swimming against the current. We’ve all heard "Fallin’" and "No One", of course, but these are hardly my favorites. I’m a big fan of "You Don’t Know My Name", although I could do without the spoken word interlude in the middle of the song (I hadn’t seen the video before hunting it down for this blog, and was stoked to see that Mos Def is the guy she likes. Love that guy!). "Wreckless Love" and "Teenage Love Affair" are my favorites off her As I Am album (I laughed my ass off the first time I heard the double entendre mixed into the lyrics “First base: because I feel you/Second base: want you to feel me too”). But my favorite may just be the Karmastition Remix of "Karma", a brilliant use of a Stevie Wonder sample if ever I heard one. This is one of those rare remixes that’s better than the original.
Hmmm…Maybe I am a huge fan of Alicia after all. And did I mention that she's hot?

That's all for now. Don't want to overload you. Too much. I'll get the rest of the A's out later this week.

What a Load of Crap: The Bastard Mocks a Relationship Article

Another recycled blog, this time from December 27th, 2009.

I love to read articles claiming to have all the answers about how men and women should interact with each other. Every now and then, the advice is actually quite good. Usually, however, the articles are utter tripe, sometimes in a funny way and other times in the most appalling manner. The latest article I’ve read (10 Things a Husband Should Never Do) is just horribly, horribly bad. Not only is the advice questionable and superficial, but the tone of the article has “bitch” written all over it. I have reprinted the article, with my commentary in italics. The original article can be found here: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/10-things-husbands-should-never-do-552285/

Guys, we love you, we really do. But as wonderful as you are, every so often you do something that makes us want to jump out the nearest window (or push you out first). Please, please, don’t ever…
Uh, ok… You want men to listen to you, but you tell us that we make you want to push us out of a window? I’m listening, but only because I’m afraid for myself and my bunny…
1. Offer to “babysit” your own kids. When your 16-year-old neighbor does it, it’s called babysitting. When a parent does it, it’s called child care, and it lasts for at least 18 years. Get it?
Get this: a freshman psychology major has more sense than you. Want us to listen? Drop the attitude. And honestly, this is simply semantics. Whether we call it babysitting or child care, we’re offering to take care of the kids while you do your own thing. Shut the hell up and go have fun before we change our minds.
2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. At the end of a hard day, there may be smoke coming out of your ears, but let’s face it: You’ve basically been sitting on your butt. That same smoke is coming out of our ears too—but we’ve cleaned the house, shuttled the kids around, run errands all over town and lugged grocery bags besides. When we say we’re exhausted, we are exhausted.
First of all, using your mind can be just as exhausting as using your body. Second, way to break free of gender stereotypes, Mrs. Cleaver. What is this, 1950? While there are still plenty of stay-at-home moms out there, most couples these days contain two working parents, meaning that, at the end of the day, both parents have “just” been sitting on their butts (and let’s not forget that there are stay-at-home dads out there, too). If you are fortunate enough to have a husband or wife who makes enough money to provide for the entire family, perhaps you should try thanking them for allowing you to stay home and take care of your kids instead of sending them to some strangers at day care. Unless of course you see your children as just another chore, as you seem to. If that’s the case, then your husband/wife should divorce your frigid ass and find someone who actually wants to be a parent to your children. And by the way, I agree that implying that office work is harder than housework is unfair. But don’t act like the guys is a lazy bum because you’re doing all the things he doesn’t have time to do. You SHARE the load. Quit bitching and do your share.
3. Give a home appliance as a gift. Forgive us if we can’t work it up for this one. A new washing machine? Really? Can we get you some new snow tires?
As someone who just paid $450 for tires, yeah, I’d love it if you’d buy me some tires. Maybe someone should take your washer away and make you go to the river to wash your clothes. Want that washing machine back now?
4. Buy us the “cougar” perfume. Under our crew-neck sweaters may beat the heart of an untamed vixen—but most of us don’t want to smell like one. (Nice try, though.)
This is so stupid that the only reason I’m commenting on it is to point out how moronic it is.
5. Brag about your driving. This is supposed to let us know that ours isn’t so great. If my husband tells me one more time that he’s been “accident-free since 1978,” I’m going to reach over, grab the wheel and make the car swerve into something, just to shut him up.
I am a good driver. And I’m proud of it. Mentioning it has nothing to do with you. This may come as a shock, but we don’t spend all day thinking of obscure, passive-aggressive ways to criticize you. That’s your job, apparently. Quit finding things to get pissed about and save your anger for something that deserves it.
6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. I don’t know whose fault this is (Food Network? Julie and Julia?), but every so often we get the idea that it would be fun to make stock and spend the day basting. If the result is less than earth-shattering, say something nice anyway.
Holy shit! Something I agree with! I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.
7. Buy clothes without trying them on. We know that the second you get into a department store you start to feel faint, but do us a favor and take the extra five minutes. Otherwise, you know who gets stuck with the returns?
No. I hate trying things on. You never know who’s put their nasty ass in those jeans before you did. I’ll take them home, wash them, and then try them on. If they don’t fit, I’ll take them back. If you’re enough of a doormat to return your husband’s things for him, then that’s your problem, not his. Grow a pair and make him fix his own mistakes.
8. Know it all, especially in public. Oh, honey. While you’re going on at length about whatever it is, we’re taking the temperature of the room, and we know everyone’s starting to fidget.
Oh, honey. This is funny, coming from someone who sounds like a know-it-all who writes for the public. Ironyyyyyyyy. Drop the patronizing tone, and just tell your spouse, as nicely as possible, that he’s making an ass of himself.
9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. Sometimes getting a new cut goes well; sometimes it doesn’t. Usually we know the difference. Don’t rub it in.
We’re not “rubbing it in;” we’re just stupid enough to think you want honesty. If you don’t want our opinion then don’t ask for it. It’s that simple.
10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Umm…it’s your house too, right? For now, we’ll give you the bronze. Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you can pick up a gold.
I am so glad you’re not my wife. I don’t even know you and I keep hoping that someone drops a house on you. If your spouse is trying to help out, then be thankful. A lot of men (and women) don’t bother. Odds are he’s like a kid who drew his mom a picture for the fridge; he just wants a little pat on the head and maybe a treat. Is that so bad? Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you won’t sound like a bitter, spiteful bitch who allowed her husband to convince her to give up her dreams to become a mother instead. And really, whose fault is that, ultimately?

Grrrrr… Perhaps you think I’m misogynistic after reading this. Untrue. I just hate when people, out of all the things that there are to complain about in this world, pick this kind of petty bullshit to whine about. And I'm appalled that this woman is gainfully employed as a writer while I'm delivering pizzas.
In fact, I strongly believe that, if it’s possible, one parent should work and the other parent should stay home. I don’t want strangers taking care of my kids if I can help it. And I’m perfectly happy staying at home if my future wife makes more than me and it’s enough to live off of (and if my current girlfriend and I stay together and she becomes a neurologist as she’s planning, then that’s exactly what will happen…assuming we have kids). I have no problem with not being the provider, because I’m not fool enough to hinge my self-worth upon whether or not I’m meeting ridiculous and outdated stereotypes of what it means to be a man, husband, or parent.
Want to know what a husband should never do? He should never take his wife for granted. He should never forget things that are important to her, like birthdays and anniversaries. He should never stop making his wife feel like she’s the only one for him. He should never be afraid to communicate his thoughts and feelings. He sure as hell should never cheat on her. He should never break important plans for stupid reasons. He should never assume that raising a child is solely the woman’s job. He should never, under any circumstances, suggest that her sister is in any way superior to her. He should never assume that he understands his wife, because there is no way in hell for a male to decipher the female mind. Is that ten? No? Then he should never marry an emasculating, disrespectful woman like the author of this article.
How’s that for good advice?

Your Mamma's Such a Muggle...

For true Potterphiles.
And yeah, I admit that a lot of these are lame, but I was deliriously sick when I wrote them, so yeah.
Think you can do better? Post your own "Your mamma's such a muggle..." jokes in the comments! I'd love to hear more. :)


Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that The Boy Who Lived was a movie on Lifetime.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that a broom is for sweeping.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that an engorgement charm is the wizarding equivalent of Viagra.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that the Weird Sisters are chicks.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that the Chamber of Secrets is something a girl should keep to herself until she’s married.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that a Norwegian Ridgeback is a dog.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that Moaning Myrtle is an adult film.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that Aragog is a character in Lord of the Rings.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that Felix Felicis was that old black and white cartoon cat.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that the Order of the Phoenix is an item on a Chinese take-out menu.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that Sirius Black is an eye shadow color.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that the Goblet of Fire is a flaming shot.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that the Death Stick is a new metal band. \m/ \m/

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that a fidelius charm is a girlier version of a purity ring.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that a Longbottom is a kind of boat.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that St. Mungo’s is a Catholic hospital.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that’s Edward, not Cedric.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that Mad-Eye Moody is a sign that her kid’s on drugs.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that a Death Eater is something you see at the circus.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she can’t tell the difference between a Knarl and a hedgehog.

Your mamma’s such a muggle she thinks that catching the golden snitch means you need antibiotics.