Another recycled blog, this time from December 27th, 2009.
I love to read articles claiming to have all the answers about how men and women should interact with each other. Every now and then, the advice is actually quite good. Usually, however, the articles are utter tripe, sometimes in a funny way and other times in the most appalling manner. The latest article I’ve read (10 Things a Husband Should Never Do) is just horribly, horribly bad. Not only is the advice questionable and superficial, but the tone of the article has “bitch” written all over it. I have reprinted the article, with my commentary in italics. The original article can be found here: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/10-things-husbands-should-never-do-552285/
Guys, we love you, we really do. But as wonderful as you are, every so often you do something that makes us want to jump out the nearest window (or push you out first). Please, please, don’t ever…
Uh, ok… You want men to listen to you, but you tell us that we make you want to push us out of a window? I’m listening, but only because I’m afraid for myself and my bunny…
1. Offer to “babysit” your own kids. When your 16-year-old neighbor does it, it’s called babysitting. When a parent does it, it’s called child care, and it lasts for at least 18 years. Get it?
Get this: a freshman psychology major has more sense than you. Want us to listen? Drop the attitude. And honestly, this is simply semantics. Whether we call it babysitting or child care, we’re offering to take care of the kids while you do your own thing. Shut the hell up and go have fun before we change our minds.
2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. At the end of a hard day, there may be smoke coming out of your ears, but let’s face it: You’ve basically been sitting on your butt. That same smoke is coming out of our ears too—but we’ve cleaned the house, shuttled the kids around, run errands all over town and lugged grocery bags besides. When we say we’re exhausted, we are exhausted.
First of all, using your mind can be just as exhausting as using your body. Second, way to break free of gender stereotypes, Mrs. Cleaver. What is this, 1950? While there are still plenty of stay-at-home moms out there, most couples these days contain two working parents, meaning that, at the end of the day, both parents have “just” been sitting on their butts (and let’s not forget that there are stay-at-home dads out there, too). If you are fortunate enough to have a husband or wife who makes enough money to provide for the entire family, perhaps you should try thanking them for allowing you to stay home and take care of your kids instead of sending them to some strangers at day care. Unless of course you see your children as just another chore, as you seem to. If that’s the case, then your husband/wife should divorce your frigid ass and find someone who actually wants to be a parent to your children. And by the way, I agree that implying that office work is harder than housework is unfair. But don’t act like the guys is a lazy bum because you’re doing all the things he doesn’t have time to do. You SHARE the load. Quit bitching and do your share.
3. Give a home appliance as a gift. Forgive us if we can’t work it up for this one. A new washing machine? Really? Can we get you some new snow tires?
As someone who just paid $450 for tires, yeah, I’d love it if you’d buy me some tires. Maybe someone should take your washer away and make you go to the river to wash your clothes. Want that washing machine back now?
4. Buy us the “cougar” perfume. Under our crew-neck sweaters may beat the heart of an untamed vixen—but most of us don’t want to smell like one. (Nice try, though.)
This is so stupid that the only reason I’m commenting on it is to point out how moronic it is.
5. Brag about your driving. This is supposed to let us know that ours isn’t so great. If my husband tells me one more time that he’s been “accident-free since 1978,” I’m going to reach over, grab the wheel and make the car swerve into something, just to shut him up.
I am a good driver. And I’m proud of it. Mentioning it has nothing to do with you. This may come as a shock, but we don’t spend all day thinking of obscure, passive-aggressive ways to criticize you. That’s your job, apparently. Quit finding things to get pissed about and save your anger for something that deserves it.
6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. I don’t know whose fault this is (Food Network? Julie and Julia?), but every so often we get the idea that it would be fun to make stock and spend the day basting. If the result is less than earth-shattering, say something nice anyway.
Holy shit! Something I agree with! I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.
7. Buy clothes without trying them on. We know that the second you get into a department store you start to feel faint, but do us a favor and take the extra five minutes. Otherwise, you know who gets stuck with the returns?
No. I hate trying things on. You never know who’s put their nasty ass in those jeans before you did. I’ll take them home, wash them, and then try them on. If they don’t fit, I’ll take them back. If you’re enough of a doormat to return your husband’s things for him, then that’s your problem, not his. Grow a pair and make him fix his own mistakes.
8. Know it all, especially in public. Oh, honey. While you’re going on at length about whatever it is, we’re taking the temperature of the room, and we know everyone’s starting to fidget.
Oh, honey. This is funny, coming from someone who sounds like a know-it-all who writes for the public. Ironyyyyyyyy. Drop the patronizing tone, and just tell your spouse, as nicely as possible, that he’s making an ass of himself.
9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. Sometimes getting a new cut goes well; sometimes it doesn’t. Usually we know the difference. Don’t rub it in.
We’re not “rubbing it in;” we’re just stupid enough to think you want honesty. If you don’t want our opinion then don’t ask for it. It’s that simple.
10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Umm…it’s your house too, right? For now, we’ll give you the bronze. Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you can pick up a gold.
I am so glad you’re not my wife. I don’t even know you and I keep hoping that someone drops a house on you. If your spouse is trying to help out, then be thankful. A lot of men (and women) don’t bother. Odds are he’s like a kid who drew his mom a picture for the fridge; he just wants a little pat on the head and maybe a treat. Is that so bad? Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you won’t sound like a bitter, spiteful bitch who allowed her husband to convince her to give up her dreams to become a mother instead. And really, whose fault is that, ultimately?
Grrrrr… Perhaps you think I’m misogynistic after reading this. Untrue. I just hate when people, out of all the things that there are to complain about in this world, pick this kind of petty bullshit to whine about. And I'm appalled that this woman is gainfully employed as a writer while I'm delivering pizzas.
In fact, I strongly believe that, if it’s possible, one parent should work and the other parent should stay home. I don’t want strangers taking care of my kids if I can help it. And I’m perfectly happy staying at home if my future wife makes more than me and it’s enough to live off of (and if my current girlfriend and I stay together and she becomes a neurologist as she’s planning, then that’s exactly what will happen…assuming we have kids). I have no problem with not being the provider, because I’m not fool enough to hinge my self-worth upon whether or not I’m meeting ridiculous and outdated stereotypes of what it means to be a man, husband, or parent.
Want to know what a husband should never do? He should never take his wife for granted. He should never forget things that are important to her, like birthdays and anniversaries. He should never stop making his wife feel like she’s the only one for him. He should never be afraid to communicate his thoughts and feelings. He sure as hell should never cheat on her. He should never break important plans for stupid reasons. He should never assume that raising a child is solely the woman’s job. He should never, under any circumstances, suggest that her sister is in any way superior to her. He should never assume that he understands his wife, because there is no way in hell for a male to decipher the female mind. Is that ten? No? Then he should never marry an emasculating, disrespectful woman like the author of this article.
How’s that for good advice?
Showing posts with label The Bastard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Bastard. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Bastard: 50 Ways To Be a Special Roommate
In honor of my obnoxious roommate (who seems to be slowly moving out!), I give you this list, originally published on January 6th, 2009.
1. Take your roommate’s shit without asking. They’ll appreciate the lack of clutter that you’ve helped them achieve.
2. Use all the hot water. It loosens up the skin, so your roomies will thank you for the tight, firm skin provided by the ice-cold water they will be forced to use after you’ve finished creating your own personal sauna.
3. If you have a significant other, do your best to scream at them on a daily basis. This will provide a sense of structure to your roommate’s day, providing joy and comfort. Makes sure the arguments are completely superfluous and imbecilic. And don’t forget: you can never be loud enough!
4. Eat whatever you want out of the fridge. This will help them eat less, keeping them slim and in shape. Make sure not to replace it! That would defeat the purpose.
5. Never leave the house. Your roommates will appreciate your constant presence.
6. Anticipate your roommate’s actions. If you think they’re heading for the tiny kitchen you share, get there first. If you think they want to do laundry, sneak a load in before them.
7. Speaking of laundry, do it every day. Every day! If possible, do it while they are in the shower, stealing the modicum of hot water that you may have accidentally left after your own shower.
8. Buy annoying pets that bark at the slightest provocation and piss on your roommate’s bed. The urine is essential to making them feel like a part of the family.
9. If your roommates have pets, make sure your pet eats as much of their food as possible. I recommend not feeding your own pet to facilitate this.
10. Invite your friends to stay over for indefinite periods of time. Your roommates will appreciate the extra company and thank you for introducing them to new and exciting homeless people.
11. Speaking of which, make obnoxious friends, and bring them over constantly. This will keep your roommates on their toes, helping to keep their minds nimble.
12. Buy a small refrigerator and freezer, then stuff it as full as you can. See #4 for reasoning.
13. Leave your stuff everywhere. Does your roommate have a bookshelf in the living room? Put picture frames on it. Do they have their own bathroom? Put some random nick-knacks in it, despite never using it.
14. Remember: toilet paper is evil. Take one for the team and use as much as possible to save them from a papery death. Never offer to replace the thin little bits of evil, but if you must, buy single-ply. And remember, the texture you’re aiming for is sandpaper.
15. Keep the door locked at all times, even when you’re home. You never know when that serial rapist might come around. This is especially essential if your roommates have gone shopping at Costco.
16. When cooking, never clean your mess. Roommates, by nature, love to clean, especially other people’s messes. A filthy kitchen is to a roommate what crack is to a crackhead.
17. If you borrow a movie, make sure not to return it. Leave them lying around the house. Roommates love a scavenger hunt.
18. If your roommate is a recovering alcoholic, do your best to drink in front of them as much as possible. This will strengthen their willpower.
19. Leave all the lights on that you can. Leave up (and use!) your Christmas lights until mid-June. (If your roommate is the aforementioned alcoholic, this will help them stay too broke to afford to fall off the wagon.)
20. In winter, keep the thermostat at a mild 85 degrees. In summer, 55 should do nicely.
21. If you get up before your roommates, be as loud as you can. Stand outside their door and loudly talk on your cell phone, slam cupboard doors, or yell at your dog to be quiet. And please, think of this as the perfect time for one of those loud fights with your significant other.
22. Remember: the sound of slamming doors is like the laughter of children to a roommate’s ears.
23. Buy as much useless crap as you can, then spread it all over the house. Nothing livens up the living room like an empty Corona bottle piñata.
24. Never get the mail. If you can, throw out or hide their credit card statements. They're stressful!
25. Buy four cars. The lack of parking will encourage your roommates to buy bikes, thus helping them stay fit. Fill your garage with boxes if you have to.
26. Use whatever you want, whenever you want. Asking is for pussies.
27. Never forget the first rule of roommates: Mi underwear es su underwear.
28. Leave your cat’s vomit on the floor for at least a month. Ask it to pay rent.
29. Move their shit around. Tell them a ghost did it.
30. Watch movies in the middle of the night. Make sure that subwoofer is turned up all the way! It will rumble them to sleep like wee little babies.
31. Use their wardrobe to soak up the oil on the driveway. They need new clothes anyway.
32. Do your best to interrupt them during coitus/masturbation as much as possible. It adds adventure to their experience.
33. Are your roommates allergic to pollen? Sounds like someone needs a get-well bouquet!
34. Have Tivo? Delete their shows. That’s what repeats are for. Besides, it’ll give them time to finish that book they’ve been reading.
35. Break something, then throw it out. Deny all knowledge of said item.
36. Never, under any circumstances, break down cardboard boxes before putting them in the recycling or trash.
37. Never take a crap in your own bathroom. That's what their bathroom is for. (Remember #14?)
38. Buy them something they hate, then act hurt when they thank you in an obviously insincere manner.
39. Change the locks. Forget to give them a copy of the new key. The best time for this is winter.
40. Use all the milk. When asked to buy more, conveniently “forget” to do so until they get fed up and buy it themselves.
41. Over the course of the year, slowly steal money out of their change jar.
42. Have sex with your door open. When they pass by, call them a pervert. Or invite them in. If they agree, ask them how they feel about being anally penetrated by large household items.
43. If your roommate is single, set him up on a date with the ugliest friend you can find. Forget to tell him that “Shannon” is actually a dude.
44. Institute casual Fridays. Wear nothing but flip-flops.
45. When watching the game, flip to Lifetime during the most crucial moment. Tell them you need a quick, cleansing cry.
46. Have pink eye? Fart on their pillow.
47. Put up a live webcam in their room. Neglect to tell them.
48. Sneak into their room to watch them sleep. If they wake up and freak out, tell them they never minded before. Pants optional.
49. Use their computer to look at porn sites. When asked, deny all knowledge of hornyseptuagenarianbeastlovers.com.
50. Never, ever treat them like a human being worthy of compassion and respect. All roommates are masochists. Otherwise, why the hell would they be living with you?
1. Take your roommate’s shit without asking. They’ll appreciate the lack of clutter that you’ve helped them achieve.
2. Use all the hot water. It loosens up the skin, so your roomies will thank you for the tight, firm skin provided by the ice-cold water they will be forced to use after you’ve finished creating your own personal sauna.
3. If you have a significant other, do your best to scream at them on a daily basis. This will provide a sense of structure to your roommate’s day, providing joy and comfort. Makes sure the arguments are completely superfluous and imbecilic. And don’t forget: you can never be loud enough!
4. Eat whatever you want out of the fridge. This will help them eat less, keeping them slim and in shape. Make sure not to replace it! That would defeat the purpose.
5. Never leave the house. Your roommates will appreciate your constant presence.
6. Anticipate your roommate’s actions. If you think they’re heading for the tiny kitchen you share, get there first. If you think they want to do laundry, sneak a load in before them.
7. Speaking of laundry, do it every day. Every day! If possible, do it while they are in the shower, stealing the modicum of hot water that you may have accidentally left after your own shower.
8. Buy annoying pets that bark at the slightest provocation and piss on your roommate’s bed. The urine is essential to making them feel like a part of the family.
9. If your roommates have pets, make sure your pet eats as much of their food as possible. I recommend not feeding your own pet to facilitate this.
10. Invite your friends to stay over for indefinite periods of time. Your roommates will appreciate the extra company and thank you for introducing them to new and exciting homeless people.
11. Speaking of which, make obnoxious friends, and bring them over constantly. This will keep your roommates on their toes, helping to keep their minds nimble.
12. Buy a small refrigerator and freezer, then stuff it as full as you can. See #4 for reasoning.
13. Leave your stuff everywhere. Does your roommate have a bookshelf in the living room? Put picture frames on it. Do they have their own bathroom? Put some random nick-knacks in it, despite never using it.
14. Remember: toilet paper is evil. Take one for the team and use as much as possible to save them from a papery death. Never offer to replace the thin little bits of evil, but if you must, buy single-ply. And remember, the texture you’re aiming for is sandpaper.
15. Keep the door locked at all times, even when you’re home. You never know when that serial rapist might come around. This is especially essential if your roommates have gone shopping at Costco.
16. When cooking, never clean your mess. Roommates, by nature, love to clean, especially other people’s messes. A filthy kitchen is to a roommate what crack is to a crackhead.
17. If you borrow a movie, make sure not to return it. Leave them lying around the house. Roommates love a scavenger hunt.
18. If your roommate is a recovering alcoholic, do your best to drink in front of them as much as possible. This will strengthen their willpower.
19. Leave all the lights on that you can. Leave up (and use!) your Christmas lights until mid-June. (If your roommate is the aforementioned alcoholic, this will help them stay too broke to afford to fall off the wagon.)
20. In winter, keep the thermostat at a mild 85 degrees. In summer, 55 should do nicely.
21. If you get up before your roommates, be as loud as you can. Stand outside their door and loudly talk on your cell phone, slam cupboard doors, or yell at your dog to be quiet. And please, think of this as the perfect time for one of those loud fights with your significant other.
22. Remember: the sound of slamming doors is like the laughter of children to a roommate’s ears.
23. Buy as much useless crap as you can, then spread it all over the house. Nothing livens up the living room like an empty Corona bottle piñata.
24. Never get the mail. If you can, throw out or hide their credit card statements. They're stressful!
25. Buy four cars. The lack of parking will encourage your roommates to buy bikes, thus helping them stay fit. Fill your garage with boxes if you have to.
26. Use whatever you want, whenever you want. Asking is for pussies.
27. Never forget the first rule of roommates: Mi underwear es su underwear.
28. Leave your cat’s vomit on the floor for at least a month. Ask it to pay rent.
29. Move their shit around. Tell them a ghost did it.
30. Watch movies in the middle of the night. Make sure that subwoofer is turned up all the way! It will rumble them to sleep like wee little babies.
31. Use their wardrobe to soak up the oil on the driveway. They need new clothes anyway.
32. Do your best to interrupt them during coitus/masturbation as much as possible. It adds adventure to their experience.
33. Are your roommates allergic to pollen? Sounds like someone needs a get-well bouquet!
34. Have Tivo? Delete their shows. That’s what repeats are for. Besides, it’ll give them time to finish that book they’ve been reading.
35. Break something, then throw it out. Deny all knowledge of said item.
36. Never, under any circumstances, break down cardboard boxes before putting them in the recycling or trash.
37. Never take a crap in your own bathroom. That's what their bathroom is for. (Remember #14?)
38. Buy them something they hate, then act hurt when they thank you in an obviously insincere manner.
39. Change the locks. Forget to give them a copy of the new key. The best time for this is winter.
40. Use all the milk. When asked to buy more, conveniently “forget” to do so until they get fed up and buy it themselves.
41. Over the course of the year, slowly steal money out of their change jar.
42. Have sex with your door open. When they pass by, call them a pervert. Or invite them in. If they agree, ask them how they feel about being anally penetrated by large household items.
43. If your roommate is single, set him up on a date with the ugliest friend you can find. Forget to tell him that “Shannon” is actually a dude.
44. Institute casual Fridays. Wear nothing but flip-flops.
45. When watching the game, flip to Lifetime during the most crucial moment. Tell them you need a quick, cleansing cry.
46. Have pink eye? Fart on their pillow.
47. Put up a live webcam in their room. Neglect to tell them.
48. Sneak into their room to watch them sleep. If they wake up and freak out, tell them they never minded before. Pants optional.
49. Use their computer to look at porn sites. When asked, deny all knowledge of hornyseptuagenarianbeastlovers.com.
50. Never, ever treat them like a human being worthy of compassion and respect. All roommates are masochists. Otherwise, why the hell would they be living with you?
Monday, January 11, 2010
The Bastard: Can We Just Enjoy a Movie, Please?
I have yet to see Avatar, but it looks like a visual masterpiece, if not the most compelling intellectual fair. Whether I’ve seen it or not is immaterial; I can’t help but get irked by some of the criticism I’ve heard about this movie.
The first ridiculous bit of whining that I’ve come across is that it’s a liberal anti-war movie. Say what? Whether you’re liberal or conservative, does anyone consider themselves pro-war? Think about that for a second. How much of an asshole would you have to be to complain that a movie has a message that denounces sentient beings killing one another? I think you’d have to fall into that exclusive club of nutjobs including Hitler and his Nazi cronies, Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge, and the Manson Family to think, “This whiny, liberal anti-war message just pisses me off!” Regardless of one’s affiliations and affinities, I fail to see how a human being with an ounce of compassion can be pro-war. I can’t help but hope that there’s a special ring of Hell for people who get upset about a movie with an anti-war message. Maybe one where they have to endlessly navigate minefields in the nude while it rains glass and lemon juice.
The other bit of criticism I’ve heard is that the movie is racist. These people are upset because a white man comes to the planet and acts as the savior of the naïve colored natives. Really? Really?! Why does race even enter into this equation? Would this same bit of idiocy be brought up if the main character was black, Asian, or Latino? I doubt it. To these people I say, “Look to your left. Remove chip from shoulder. Look to right. Repeat.”
This has nothing to do with the color of the main character’s skin. Nothing. Sure, you can see it that way if you’d like, but I can also see boobies in a Rorschach test if I really want to. This is the reality of the movie: a man from a technologically advanced civilization infiltrates a technologically primitive civilization, learns to appreciate their way of life, sees the error of his people’s ways, and does his best to save the natives. What matters is that he has knowledge that the blue people don’t. Without that knowledge, they stand little chance of prevailing, not because they are inferior, but because their knowledge is inferior. It’s a bit tough to go from riding animals and hunting with arrows and spears to analyzing, duplicating, and using guns and mech suits. I’ll repeat this point one more time, for the feebs in the back talking on their cell phones: the main character is able to save a race of technologically naïve natives because of his knowledge, not his skin color.
I’ve learned something recently, and it’s a lesson that took me ten years of depression to figure out: you see what you want to see. If you look at the world and want to see racism, you’re going to see it. The same goes for sexism, ageism, and antidisestablishmentarianism. Conversely, if you want to see kindness, altruism, and love, you’ll find that too. With either view you’re going to end up being wrong some of the time and end up with false positives (to borrow a medical term). For example, if you choose to take the former path, you’ll see racism that isn’t there, but if you choose the latter path, you may see kindness where there isn’t any. Given the choice (and I assure you that it is a choice), I’ll take the latter, thank you very much.
I’m tired of focusing on the negativity in the world. As a depressive, I understand that it can be hard to change the way in which one views the world. But it can be done, if imperfectly. So can we all please just sit down, shut the hell up, and allow ourselves to be entertained by a goddam movie?!
The first ridiculous bit of whining that I’ve come across is that it’s a liberal anti-war movie. Say what? Whether you’re liberal or conservative, does anyone consider themselves pro-war? Think about that for a second. How much of an asshole would you have to be to complain that a movie has a message that denounces sentient beings killing one another? I think you’d have to fall into that exclusive club of nutjobs including Hitler and his Nazi cronies, Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge, and the Manson Family to think, “This whiny, liberal anti-war message just pisses me off!” Regardless of one’s affiliations and affinities, I fail to see how a human being with an ounce of compassion can be pro-war. I can’t help but hope that there’s a special ring of Hell for people who get upset about a movie with an anti-war message. Maybe one where they have to endlessly navigate minefields in the nude while it rains glass and lemon juice.
The other bit of criticism I’ve heard is that the movie is racist. These people are upset because a white man comes to the planet and acts as the savior of the naïve colored natives. Really? Really?! Why does race even enter into this equation? Would this same bit of idiocy be brought up if the main character was black, Asian, or Latino? I doubt it. To these people I say, “Look to your left. Remove chip from shoulder. Look to right. Repeat.”
This has nothing to do with the color of the main character’s skin. Nothing. Sure, you can see it that way if you’d like, but I can also see boobies in a Rorschach test if I really want to. This is the reality of the movie: a man from a technologically advanced civilization infiltrates a technologically primitive civilization, learns to appreciate their way of life, sees the error of his people’s ways, and does his best to save the natives. What matters is that he has knowledge that the blue people don’t. Without that knowledge, they stand little chance of prevailing, not because they are inferior, but because their knowledge is inferior. It’s a bit tough to go from riding animals and hunting with arrows and spears to analyzing, duplicating, and using guns and mech suits. I’ll repeat this point one more time, for the feebs in the back talking on their cell phones: the main character is able to save a race of technologically naïve natives because of his knowledge, not his skin color.
I’ve learned something recently, and it’s a lesson that took me ten years of depression to figure out: you see what you want to see. If you look at the world and want to see racism, you’re going to see it. The same goes for sexism, ageism, and antidisestablishmentarianism. Conversely, if you want to see kindness, altruism, and love, you’ll find that too. With either view you’re going to end up being wrong some of the time and end up with false positives (to borrow a medical term). For example, if you choose to take the former path, you’ll see racism that isn’t there, but if you choose the latter path, you may see kindness where there isn’t any. Given the choice (and I assure you that it is a choice), I’ll take the latter, thank you very much.
I’m tired of focusing on the negativity in the world. As a depressive, I understand that it can be hard to change the way in which one views the world. But it can be done, if imperfectly. So can we all please just sit down, shut the hell up, and allow ourselves to be entertained by a goddam movie?!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Introducing The Buddhist & The Bastard
Polymathic J: The Octopus’s Garden will often feature blogs written from the perspective of either the Buddhist or the Bastard. While that little “About Me” box to the right explains things a bit, I thought formal introductions might not go amiss. Guys, say hi to everyone.
The Bastard: Seriously? This is the best idea you could come up with today? It’s moronic. First of all, I’m not a little monkey here to amuse people. Second, how cheesy is this shit?
The Buddhist: I don’t know…doesn’t seem so bad to me. And cheesy or not, why can’t “cheesy” and “bad” be mutually exclusive? We like plenty of cheesy movies. And, come to think of it, why is “cheesy” a colloquialism for bad, anyway? Cheese is quite tasty. We’ve got at least three different kinds in the fridge at this very moment.
The Bastard: Jesus, here we go. Please, expound upon the subject of cheese for us. I’m sure the masses will find a cheese lecture to be utterly stimulating.
The Buddhist: No need to get snippy. I was just thinking out loud. Although I must admit to wishing we had some Piave Vecchio. That Pecorino Romano isn’t as good as I’d hoped. Goes quite well with Wheat Thins, though…
The Bastard: Yeah, that Piave is good…dammit, why the hell are we talking about cheese?!
The Buddhist: Well, what would you like to talk about?
The Bastard: How about we talk about how batshit this is? He’s like a ventriloquist with no dummies.
Polymathic J: Hey, leave me out of this. I just wanted to introduce you to everyone. Besides, everyone who knows me is already well aware of the fact that I’ve got a screw loose.
The Bastard: Just one? I’m not the one having a conversation with myself.
The Buddhist: Aren’t you?
The Bastard: No, I—well, kinda. This hurts my brain.
Polymathic J: Ok, I’ll make it easy on you. Why don’t you simply explain a little bit about how you view the world? Buddhist, why don’t you go first?
The Buddhist: Hmmmm, ok. Well, I believe that people are inherently good, but are capable of getting so lost or damaged that they do bad things.
Polymathic J: Care to elaborate?
The Buddhist: Well, imagine that every person is a glass lantern. Everyone has a light within them that shines through the glass.
Polymathic J: I’m with you so far…
The Buddhist: The light never goes out so long as the person lives, but our experiences and the way we live our lives can cause the glass to get dirty. Abuse, addictions, mental disorders…all these things muck up the glass, making the light harder to see. I’m sure there are people out there with glass so dark you might find it hard to believe there’s a light contained within. But it’s there.
The Bastard: Bullshit. What about someone like Hitler?
The Buddhist: I’ve seen footage of Hitler in his last days, and there is a pronounced tremor in his arm. It seems to be indicative of Parkinson’s disease. And I’ve heard that some of Hitler’s early writings suggest that he may have gotten syphilis at some point. Syphilis has been known to cause serious mental abnormalities, and having one’s body fail oneself when the brain has already experienced great insult is bound to leave one with anger issues.
The Bastard: So you think Hitler killed over six million Jews because he was upset that he had Parkinson’s and some skank gave him VD?
The Buddhist: No, I’m simply saying that those may have been contributing factors. I’ve also heard that his personal physician got him hooked on daily injections of amphetamines and other goodies. High doses of amphetamines are known to cause psychosis. One or more of these issues may have exacerbated pre-existing problems derived from genetic or environmental factors. This does not excuse his actions, of course. I merely seek to offer possible (partial) explanations for what he did. Don’t forget that he was once an artist. He wanted to be a painter, but either didn’t have the natural gift or the tenacity to excel at it. Regardless, that speaks of a certain sensitivity that most people would not believe that he possessed. How horrible would it be if Hitler was a good man driven mad by disappointment and exposure to a lowly bacterium? That would be a tragedy to make even Sophocles weep.
The Bastard: Wow, dude. You’re not gonna make many friends defending Hitler.
The Buddhist: I simply seek to point out that we cannot know everything about a man. Is it not insane to desire the death of an entire race of people? If you believe it is, and if you believe that an insane man is not responsible for his actions (as I do), then should that man not be viewed with pity, rather than hatred?
Polymathic J: I am totally going to get hate mail for this.
The Buddhist: That may be, but I refuse to silence myself simply because my views defy convention. If anything, that’s all the more reason to share them. There is enough hate in this world. Perhaps it would be a better place if we attempted to understand what is unknown to us, especially when what is unknown makes us uncomfortable. His actions were obviously repellant and misguided, but hating him does nothing to change what he did.
Polymathic J: Ooookay. We better move on before the death threats start. Bastard?
The Bastard: Isn’t my name self-explanatory? I’m a jerk. I think people are selfish, self-absorbed pieces of crap. Give your average human a choice between helping themselves and helping someone else, and they’re going to help themselves 99.9% of the time.
The Buddhist: Do you include yourself in that?
The Bastard: Of course. I may be a bastard, but I’m an honest bastard. I find it hard to see why I should help someone when they wouldn’t even consider helping me. You gotta look out for Numero Uno. No one else will. Don’t forget that I’m a delivery driver. I rely on the kindness of strangers for a living, and it’s a poor living indeed.
The Buddhist: But what if the people you deliver to can’t afford to tip you well? Shouldn’t you consider their situation, rather than just your own?
The Bastard: I could say the same thing about them. If they don’t have the money to tip, then they should come to the store and pick up their pizzas themselves. Instead, they do what’s convenient for them, and say “Screw that guy bringing the pizza. He should get a better job.” That’s humanity in a nutshell: “Screw him; his problems are his fault, so why should I help?”
The Buddhist: I must admit that that attitude is disturbingly prevalent in today’s society.
The Bastard: You’re damn right it is. So why should I be kind, if it’s just going to lead to people taking advantage of me?
The Buddhist: Well, you’ve got one thing that many people do not have: an awareness of the problem. How can one fix a problem when one is unaware of it? Perhaps you should lead by example. Perhaps your kindness could illuminate the issue for others by providing a contrast to the norm. Perhaps you should listen to Gandhi’s words: “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
The Bastard: Fuck that. That’s your job.
The Buddhist: Touché.
Polymathic J: I think that’ll do for now. Say goodbye, guys.
The Buddhist & The Bastard: “Goodbye, guys.”
The Bastard: Seriously? This is the best idea you could come up with today? It’s moronic. First of all, I’m not a little monkey here to amuse people. Second, how cheesy is this shit?
The Buddhist: I don’t know…doesn’t seem so bad to me. And cheesy or not, why can’t “cheesy” and “bad” be mutually exclusive? We like plenty of cheesy movies. And, come to think of it, why is “cheesy” a colloquialism for bad, anyway? Cheese is quite tasty. We’ve got at least three different kinds in the fridge at this very moment.
The Bastard: Jesus, here we go. Please, expound upon the subject of cheese for us. I’m sure the masses will find a cheese lecture to be utterly stimulating.
The Buddhist: No need to get snippy. I was just thinking out loud. Although I must admit to wishing we had some Piave Vecchio. That Pecorino Romano isn’t as good as I’d hoped. Goes quite well with Wheat Thins, though…
The Bastard: Yeah, that Piave is good…dammit, why the hell are we talking about cheese?!
The Buddhist: Well, what would you like to talk about?
The Bastard: How about we talk about how batshit this is? He’s like a ventriloquist with no dummies.
Polymathic J: Hey, leave me out of this. I just wanted to introduce you to everyone. Besides, everyone who knows me is already well aware of the fact that I’ve got a screw loose.
The Bastard: Just one? I’m not the one having a conversation with myself.
The Buddhist: Aren’t you?
The Bastard: No, I—well, kinda. This hurts my brain.
Polymathic J: Ok, I’ll make it easy on you. Why don’t you simply explain a little bit about how you view the world? Buddhist, why don’t you go first?
The Buddhist: Hmmmm, ok. Well, I believe that people are inherently good, but are capable of getting so lost or damaged that they do bad things.
Polymathic J: Care to elaborate?
The Buddhist: Well, imagine that every person is a glass lantern. Everyone has a light within them that shines through the glass.
Polymathic J: I’m with you so far…
The Buddhist: The light never goes out so long as the person lives, but our experiences and the way we live our lives can cause the glass to get dirty. Abuse, addictions, mental disorders…all these things muck up the glass, making the light harder to see. I’m sure there are people out there with glass so dark you might find it hard to believe there’s a light contained within. But it’s there.
The Bastard: Bullshit. What about someone like Hitler?
The Buddhist: I’ve seen footage of Hitler in his last days, and there is a pronounced tremor in his arm. It seems to be indicative of Parkinson’s disease. And I’ve heard that some of Hitler’s early writings suggest that he may have gotten syphilis at some point. Syphilis has been known to cause serious mental abnormalities, and having one’s body fail oneself when the brain has already experienced great insult is bound to leave one with anger issues.
The Bastard: So you think Hitler killed over six million Jews because he was upset that he had Parkinson’s and some skank gave him VD?
The Buddhist: No, I’m simply saying that those may have been contributing factors. I’ve also heard that his personal physician got him hooked on daily injections of amphetamines and other goodies. High doses of amphetamines are known to cause psychosis. One or more of these issues may have exacerbated pre-existing problems derived from genetic or environmental factors. This does not excuse his actions, of course. I merely seek to offer possible (partial) explanations for what he did. Don’t forget that he was once an artist. He wanted to be a painter, but either didn’t have the natural gift or the tenacity to excel at it. Regardless, that speaks of a certain sensitivity that most people would not believe that he possessed. How horrible would it be if Hitler was a good man driven mad by disappointment and exposure to a lowly bacterium? That would be a tragedy to make even Sophocles weep.
The Bastard: Wow, dude. You’re not gonna make many friends defending Hitler.
The Buddhist: I simply seek to point out that we cannot know everything about a man. Is it not insane to desire the death of an entire race of people? If you believe it is, and if you believe that an insane man is not responsible for his actions (as I do), then should that man not be viewed with pity, rather than hatred?
Polymathic J: I am totally going to get hate mail for this.
The Buddhist: That may be, but I refuse to silence myself simply because my views defy convention. If anything, that’s all the more reason to share them. There is enough hate in this world. Perhaps it would be a better place if we attempted to understand what is unknown to us, especially when what is unknown makes us uncomfortable. His actions were obviously repellant and misguided, but hating him does nothing to change what he did.
Polymathic J: Ooookay. We better move on before the death threats start. Bastard?
The Bastard: Isn’t my name self-explanatory? I’m a jerk. I think people are selfish, self-absorbed pieces of crap. Give your average human a choice between helping themselves and helping someone else, and they’re going to help themselves 99.9% of the time.
The Buddhist: Do you include yourself in that?
The Bastard: Of course. I may be a bastard, but I’m an honest bastard. I find it hard to see why I should help someone when they wouldn’t even consider helping me. You gotta look out for Numero Uno. No one else will. Don’t forget that I’m a delivery driver. I rely on the kindness of strangers for a living, and it’s a poor living indeed.
The Buddhist: But what if the people you deliver to can’t afford to tip you well? Shouldn’t you consider their situation, rather than just your own?
The Bastard: I could say the same thing about them. If they don’t have the money to tip, then they should come to the store and pick up their pizzas themselves. Instead, they do what’s convenient for them, and say “Screw that guy bringing the pizza. He should get a better job.” That’s humanity in a nutshell: “Screw him; his problems are his fault, so why should I help?”
The Buddhist: I must admit that that attitude is disturbingly prevalent in today’s society.
The Bastard: You’re damn right it is. So why should I be kind, if it’s just going to lead to people taking advantage of me?
The Buddhist: Well, you’ve got one thing that many people do not have: an awareness of the problem. How can one fix a problem when one is unaware of it? Perhaps you should lead by example. Perhaps your kindness could illuminate the issue for others by providing a contrast to the norm. Perhaps you should listen to Gandhi’s words: “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
The Bastard: Fuck that. That’s your job.
The Buddhist: Touché.
Polymathic J: I think that’ll do for now. Say goodbye, guys.
The Buddhist & The Bastard: “Goodbye, guys.”
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Bastard: Pizza Hut Blues
NOTE: This blog has been retroactively labeled a Bastard Blog.
This is a modified version of a blog I wrote on July 23, 2008. And by the way, my wages have increased a whopping $.26 since I wrote this, and my share of the delivery charge has actually decreased. How's that for "caring" for your employees?
Being a driver for Pizza Hut is the latest in a long line of crappy jobs for yours truly. I've worked my share of soulless corporate jobs, but this may be the one that has made me feel most like an indentured servant.
Here's the scoop: I get paid the kingly sum of $7.02 an hour. Yes indeed, I am makin' those ends meet like a muthafucka. In this favorable economic climate, I am provided with a wealth of options on which to spend this abundance of benjamins. I can buy 15 sunflower seeds, two sticks of gum, or, if I feel like splurging, I have just enough to bribe the ticket guy to let me into a movie (not many people know that you can bribe those ticket office folks for a full $2 under your average ticket price). I can't afford prostitutes, but I can afford to pay them to watch me watch porn, so that's a start.
The point is, I live off of my tips. There are two problems with living off of tips. The first problem is the people I deliver to. They, in general, suck. Either my very presence is capable of causing a mild and temporary memory loss concerning how much it costs to fuel and maintain a car, or my customers consistently incur amnesia-inducing head wounds on the way to answering the door. Either way, I often end up getting screwed (metaphorically, that is; I have yet to experience that old porn classic tip-by-way-of-kinky-sex scenario, although I'm sure my girlfriend isn't complaining). It is not unusual for me to receive less than $1 as my "tip" (change is not a tip; it's change). I understand that times are hard, but when you get pizza delivered you are entering into an unspoken contract. "I agree to tip my driver in return for the convenience of him bringing me hot food." If you can't honor that contract, then get up off your lazy ass and get your own damn pizza.
Here's the truly screwed up Part 2 to this story: Pizza Hut is stealing money out of my pocket. Now don't get me wrong; I've been abused by my corporate masters since I started working. However, I'm just not accustomed to the abuse being quite so blatant and in your face. Each delivery comes with a $2.50 delivery charge. I believe it was $1.50 a year ago. Most people assume that this money goes to the driver. That would be logical, but it would also be wrong. I get a whopping $1.03 of that money, while Pizza Hut, who hasn't done diddly as far as I can tell, gets $1.47. A year ago, I got (I believe) $.87. So I went from receiving 58% of my delivery fees to 41% (or, to put it another way, in the last year my share has risen $.16, while their share has risen $1.00).
Now, I'm a progressive, 21st century kind of guy. I'm secure in my sexuality, and I agree with Playboy when they say that today's straight male doesn't have to be ashamed of enjoying anal stimulation. But I want to be shown a nice night out on the town, complete with dinner and dancing, before someone has their way with me, and it'd be nice if lube was brought into play. Apparently Pizza Hut has something more along the lines of Brando's "Last Tango In Paris," here's-some-butter-now-take-it-whether-you-want-it-or-not action in mind. Uncool.
I hear their rationale is that they have to pay for insurance for their drivers. Boo hoo. I already pay for my own insurance. Why should I have to pony up for theirs, as well? This is another fine example of a corporation screwing over their employees for another fraction of a percentage point of profit. The worst part of all? They sent out a letter saying they were raising the delivery charge because they "care so much" about their employees. Having money essentially stolen out of my pocket is bad enough, but telling me a bald-faced lie to justify it is like kicking me in the nuts after hitting me in the head with a bat.
The moral of the story? If there is a delivery charge from your local pizza place, find out how much of it goes to the driver and tip accordingly. Never tip less than $3 (I don't care if it's late; it's almost never the driver's fault), and if you know you're in an out-of-the-way location you should tip at least a dollar or two more than that. For those of you getting freebies, a free pizza does not mean you don't have to tip your driver; I still drove the damn thing to you, didn't I (you have no idea how often I bring a free pizza to someone's house and never see one cent from them)? If anything, you should tip a little better.
Oh yeah, and be at home when you order a pizza, or at least be where you can hear someone knocking on your door. I can't tell you how many times I've had to sit at someone's door waiting for them to get home or hear my incessant knocking, bell ringing, and phone calling. Nothing says "You mean less than nothing to me" better than making someone wait because you decided to go get a six-pack 30 minutes after you ordered a pizza.
And for god's sake, have your payment ready! I don't want to stand at your door while you scrounge up money from four different roommates or write out a check, especially in the winter. You've had plenty of time to do that, and I have other pizzas to deliver. Show some respect. And if one more person pays me completely in change, I swear to god I'm going to take off a shoe and sock, fill the sock with the change, and beat them with it (today I got paid $18 in change for a $17.60 order, which is doubly insulting).
It all boils down to this: your pizza driver hates his job, guaranteed. He has to deal with rude, inconsiderate people all day/night, not to mention working with people who generally don't give two shits about anyone but themselves. A few dollars doesn't mean much to you (if it does then you shouldn't be getting food delivered), but it means a lot to your driver. And if you have enough money to be truly kind and give a tip of $5 or more, you may just make someone's night. At the least, you'll be helping to compensate for the last asshole he delivered to who stiffed him.
So please, be kind to your pizza driver. Treat him like a human being, rather than a pizza with a large, mobile growth attached to it. It will help make his job a little more tolerable.
This is a modified version of a blog I wrote on July 23, 2008. And by the way, my wages have increased a whopping $.26 since I wrote this, and my share of the delivery charge has actually decreased. How's that for "caring" for your employees?
Being a driver for Pizza Hut is the latest in a long line of crappy jobs for yours truly. I've worked my share of soulless corporate jobs, but this may be the one that has made me feel most like an indentured servant.
Here's the scoop: I get paid the kingly sum of $7.02 an hour. Yes indeed, I am makin' those ends meet like a muthafucka. In this favorable economic climate, I am provided with a wealth of options on which to spend this abundance of benjamins. I can buy 15 sunflower seeds, two sticks of gum, or, if I feel like splurging, I have just enough to bribe the ticket guy to let me into a movie (not many people know that you can bribe those ticket office folks for a full $2 under your average ticket price). I can't afford prostitutes, but I can afford to pay them to watch me watch porn, so that's a start.
The point is, I live off of my tips. There are two problems with living off of tips. The first problem is the people I deliver to. They, in general, suck. Either my very presence is capable of causing a mild and temporary memory loss concerning how much it costs to fuel and maintain a car, or my customers consistently incur amnesia-inducing head wounds on the way to answering the door. Either way, I often end up getting screwed (metaphorically, that is; I have yet to experience that old porn classic tip-by-way-of-kinky-sex scenario, although I'm sure my girlfriend isn't complaining). It is not unusual for me to receive less than $1 as my "tip" (change is not a tip; it's change). I understand that times are hard, but when you get pizza delivered you are entering into an unspoken contract. "I agree to tip my driver in return for the convenience of him bringing me hot food." If you can't honor that contract, then get up off your lazy ass and get your own damn pizza.
Here's the truly screwed up Part 2 to this story: Pizza Hut is stealing money out of my pocket. Now don't get me wrong; I've been abused by my corporate masters since I started working. However, I'm just not accustomed to the abuse being quite so blatant and in your face. Each delivery comes with a $2.50 delivery charge. I believe it was $1.50 a year ago. Most people assume that this money goes to the driver. That would be logical, but it would also be wrong. I get a whopping $1.03 of that money, while Pizza Hut, who hasn't done diddly as far as I can tell, gets $1.47. A year ago, I got (I believe) $.87. So I went from receiving 58% of my delivery fees to 41% (or, to put it another way, in the last year my share has risen $.16, while their share has risen $1.00).
Now, I'm a progressive, 21st century kind of guy. I'm secure in my sexuality, and I agree with Playboy when they say that today's straight male doesn't have to be ashamed of enjoying anal stimulation. But I want to be shown a nice night out on the town, complete with dinner and dancing, before someone has their way with me, and it'd be nice if lube was brought into play. Apparently Pizza Hut has something more along the lines of Brando's "Last Tango In Paris," here's-some-butter-now-take-it-whether-you-want-it-or-not action in mind. Uncool.
I hear their rationale is that they have to pay for insurance for their drivers. Boo hoo. I already pay for my own insurance. Why should I have to pony up for theirs, as well? This is another fine example of a corporation screwing over their employees for another fraction of a percentage point of profit. The worst part of all? They sent out a letter saying they were raising the delivery charge because they "care so much" about their employees. Having money essentially stolen out of my pocket is bad enough, but telling me a bald-faced lie to justify it is like kicking me in the nuts after hitting me in the head with a bat.
The moral of the story? If there is a delivery charge from your local pizza place, find out how much of it goes to the driver and tip accordingly. Never tip less than $3 (I don't care if it's late; it's almost never the driver's fault), and if you know you're in an out-of-the-way location you should tip at least a dollar or two more than that. For those of you getting freebies, a free pizza does not mean you don't have to tip your driver; I still drove the damn thing to you, didn't I (you have no idea how often I bring a free pizza to someone's house and never see one cent from them)? If anything, you should tip a little better.
Oh yeah, and be at home when you order a pizza, or at least be where you can hear someone knocking on your door. I can't tell you how many times I've had to sit at someone's door waiting for them to get home or hear my incessant knocking, bell ringing, and phone calling. Nothing says "You mean less than nothing to me" better than making someone wait because you decided to go get a six-pack 30 minutes after you ordered a pizza.
And for god's sake, have your payment ready! I don't want to stand at your door while you scrounge up money from four different roommates or write out a check, especially in the winter. You've had plenty of time to do that, and I have other pizzas to deliver. Show some respect. And if one more person pays me completely in change, I swear to god I'm going to take off a shoe and sock, fill the sock with the change, and beat them with it (today I got paid $18 in change for a $17.60 order, which is doubly insulting).
It all boils down to this: your pizza driver hates his job, guaranteed. He has to deal with rude, inconsiderate people all day/night, not to mention working with people who generally don't give two shits about anyone but themselves. A few dollars doesn't mean much to you (if it does then you shouldn't be getting food delivered), but it means a lot to your driver. And if you have enough money to be truly kind and give a tip of $5 or more, you may just make someone's night. At the least, you'll be helping to compensate for the last asshole he delivered to who stiffed him.
So please, be kind to your pizza driver. Treat him like a human being, rather than a pizza with a large, mobile growth attached to it. It will help make his job a little more tolerable.
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