The Bastard: Pizza Hut Blues

NOTE: This blog has been retroactively labeled a Bastard Blog.
This is a modified version of a blog I wrote on July 23, 2008. And by the way, my wages have increased a whopping $.26 since I wrote this, and my share of the delivery charge has actually decreased. How's that for "caring" for your employees?

Being a driver for Pizza Hut is the latest in a long line of crappy jobs for yours truly. I've worked my share of soulless corporate jobs, but this may be the one that has made me feel most like an indentured servant.
Here's the scoop: I get paid the kingly sum of $7.02 an hour. Yes indeed, I am makin' those ends meet like a muthafucka. In this favorable economic climate, I am provided with a wealth of options on which to spend this abundance of benjamins. I can buy 15 sunflower seeds, two sticks of gum, or, if I feel like splurging, I have just enough to bribe the ticket guy to let me into a movie (not many people know that you can bribe those ticket office folks for a full $2 under your average ticket price). I can't afford prostitutes, but I can afford to pay them to watch me watch porn, so that's a start.
The point is, I live off of my tips. There are two problems with living off of tips. The first problem is the people I deliver to. They, in general, suck. Either my very presence is capable of causing a mild and temporary memory loss concerning how much it costs to fuel and maintain a car, or my customers consistently incur amnesia-inducing head wounds on the way to answering the door. Either way, I often end up getting screwed (metaphorically, that is; I have yet to experience that old porn classic tip-by-way-of-kinky-sex scenario, although I'm sure my girlfriend isn't complaining). It is not unusual for me to receive less than $1 as my "tip" (change is not a tip; it's change). I understand that times are hard, but when you get pizza delivered you are entering into an unspoken contract. "I agree to tip my driver in return for the convenience of him bringing me hot food." If you can't honor that contract, then get up off your lazy ass and get your own damn pizza.
Here's the truly screwed up Part 2 to this story: Pizza Hut is stealing money out of my pocket. Now don't get me wrong; I've been abused by my corporate masters since I started working. However, I'm just not accustomed to the abuse being quite so blatant and in your face. Each delivery comes with a $2.50 delivery charge. I believe it was $1.50 a year ago. Most people assume that this money goes to the driver. That would be logical, but it would also be wrong. I get a whopping $1.03 of that money, while Pizza Hut, who hasn't done diddly as far as I can tell, gets $1.47. A year ago, I got (I believe) $.87. So I went from receiving 58% of my delivery fees to 41% (or, to put it another way, in the last year my share has risen $.16, while their share has risen $1.00).
Now, I'm a progressive, 21st century kind of guy. I'm secure in my sexuality, and I agree with Playboy when they say that today's straight male doesn't have to be ashamed of enjoying anal stimulation. But I want to be shown a nice night out on the town, complete with dinner and dancing, before someone has their way with me, and it'd be nice if lube was brought into play. Apparently Pizza Hut has something more along the lines of Brando's "Last Tango In Paris," here's-some-butter-now-take-it-whether-you-want-it-or-not action in mind. Uncool.
I hear their rationale is that they have to pay for insurance for their drivers. Boo hoo. I already pay for my own insurance. Why should I have to pony up for theirs, as well? This is another fine example of a corporation screwing over their employees for another fraction of a percentage point of profit. The worst part of all? They sent out a letter saying they were raising the delivery charge because they "care so much" about their employees. Having money essentially stolen out of my pocket is bad enough, but telling me a bald-faced lie to justify it is like kicking me in the nuts after hitting me in the head with a bat.
The moral of the story? If there is a delivery charge from your local pizza place, find out how much of it goes to the driver and tip accordingly. Never tip less than $3 (I don't care if it's late; it's almost never the driver's fault), and if you know you're in an out-of-the-way location you should tip at least a dollar or two more than that. For those of you getting freebies, a free pizza does not mean you don't have to tip your driver; I still drove the damn thing to you, didn't I (you have no idea how often I bring a free pizza to someone's house and never see one cent from them)? If anything, you should tip a little better.
Oh yeah, and be at home when you order a pizza, or at least be where you can hear someone knocking on your door. I can't tell you how many times I've had to sit at someone's door waiting for them to get home or hear my incessant knocking, bell ringing, and phone calling. Nothing says "You mean less than nothing to me" better than making someone wait because you decided to go get a six-pack 30 minutes after you ordered a pizza.
And for god's sake, have your payment ready! I don't want to stand at your door while you scrounge up money from four different roommates or write out a check, especially in the winter. You've had plenty of time to do that, and I have other pizzas to deliver. Show some respect. And if one more person pays me completely in change, I swear to god I'm going to take off a shoe and sock, fill the sock with the change, and beat them with it (today I got paid $18 in change for a $17.60 order, which is doubly insulting).
It all boils down to this: your pizza driver hates his job, guaranteed. He has to deal with rude, inconsiderate people all day/night, not to mention working with people who generally don't give two shits about anyone but themselves. A few dollars doesn't mean much to you (if it does then you shouldn't be getting food delivered), but it means a lot to your driver. And if you have enough money to be truly kind and give a tip of $5 or more, you may just make someone's night. At the least, you'll be helping to compensate for the last asshole he delivered to who stiffed him.
So please, be kind to your pizza driver. Treat him like a human being, rather than a pizza with a large, mobile growth attached to it. It will help make his job a little more tolerable.