Well, I've introduced The Buddhist & The Bastard, but I never really introduced myself. So, in the interest of rectifying that (and because I haven't had much time to write lately), I give you "25 Random Things About Me," something that was circulating around Facebook a year ago (this was originally released January 31st, 2009). I suppose this means that most of you have already read it, but there are finally at least a few people reading this blog who don't know me at all (woo-hoo!), so this one's for you guys. Thanks for the support. Hope it amuses you.
Oh, and for those of you who know me, just refer to me as J here in the Garden. No need for people to know too much about my crazy ass.
I hear undead syphilitic hookers will devour my friends and family if I don’t join in on this thing, so here goes. So if I tagged you in this (Facebook users), you're supposed to make your own list. But don't feel obligated. I'm sure your loved ones will enjoy being VD-carrying zombies.
1. I have 20/800 vision in my right eye and 20/850 in my left. Let’s put this in perspective: Find something 800 feet away. See how blurry that is? That’s how clearly I see something 20 feet away. And that’s my good eye. I’m so blind that I’ve only met one person who has vision worse than me, and he was legally blind (no joke).
2. I make a list every year of all the books I read. I hear my Grandma did this too, although I struck upon the idea independently. Last year’s total: 7 (by far an all-time low). This year’s total thus far: 5.
3. I’m afraid of heights. This does not stop me from wanting to skydive, although I imagine I’d need help out of the door. And I’d probably piss myself. Sorry instructor guy.
4. I miss California immensely, and my home town even more so. I miss living in the woods.
5. I believe that Coke is the nectar of the gods (Screw ambrosia! Who even knows what that is?!). Give me a Pepsi when I ask for a Coke, and you risk losing an eye.
6. I believe that, when viewed objectively, sex is just about the silliest act one can commit. This does not stop me from enjoying it.
7. Speaking of sex, if I was forced to have hairy man-sex, I’d probably pick Colin Ferguson (he plays Sheriff Carter on the show Eureka) to be my first. He seems like he’d be gentle. That said, I’d much prefer some alone time with his castmate, Salli Richardson. What a babe!
8. I love all things Anthony Bourdain. If you have the Travel Channel and aren't watching No Reservations (Monday nights!) then you should be thrown in jail. Just finished his book, Kitchen Confidential, and loved every second of it. I seriously don’t recall ever laughing out loud so much while reading. In fact, on one occasion I literally had to bite my fingers to keep from waking my girlfriend.
9. Speaking of my girlfriend, she is the best. I’m totally retarded for her.
10. I believe that everyone (but especially the wealthy) should be forced to live off of a crappy job like Pizza Hut for at least a year or two. I think the world would be a kinder place as a result.
11. I have a relatively large tattoo on my back, and hope to one day have the money to get the rest of it covered (my back, not the tattoo).
12. My dream is to write a book. If it gets published and you don’t buy it, I will come find you.
13. I think the phrase “drugs and alcohol” is a farce. I’m sorry to inform you that if you honestly believe that alcohol is not a drug, well, you’re a moron.
14. If I had three wishes, one of them would probably be spent on going back in time and convincing myself that no, that mullet does not look good on me. In fact, I’d just buy myself a new wardrobe (and glasses). And then I’d chastise my parents for allowing me to walk around looking like the world’s biggest dork. Never let anyone tell you that personality doesn’t go a long way, because I never would have had girlfriends if it didn’t.
15. If forced to choose between saving a drowning dog and a drowning human, I honestly don’t know who would get saved. This should tell you three things. 1. I love animals. 2. I don’t have much respect for humans. 3. You should really learn to swim.
16. I love the Niners and Sharks. They make September through May/June worth living through (although it does get a bit depressing seeing the Niners suck and the Sharks lose in the second round every year). The absence of football and hockey is one of the reasons I’m not a fan of summer.
17. I think Hawaii is the most overrated vacation destination of all time. Been there twice, was unimpressed both times (although snorkeling in Cook’s Cove was, admittedly, a hell of a lot of fun). Want a better tropical destination? Try Costa Rica. It’s probably cheaper, too.
18. I finally got to visit Italy a little over a year ago. I fell in love with Venice. If I’m ever filthy rich, I’m totally buying an apartment there. Preferably on the top floor. And Michelangelo’s David? The most awe-inspiring work of art I have ever witnessed with my own two eyes. It’s perfection almost (almost!) brought tears to my eyes.
19. I love America, but anyone who says we’re the greatest country in the world has never been out of this country. We’ve got a great country, and it may be the one you prefer above all others, but it is definitely a fixer-upper in need of a lot of work.
20. I like cupcakes.
21. I am an unrepentant geek. I love comics, Harry Potter, and Firefly. Wanna fight about it?
22. The Beatles are unquestionably my favorite group of all time. Despite that, my favorite genre of music is hip-hop. This honky got some soul, na’mean? (For you crackers in the crowd, that means “Do you understand what I mean, fine ladies and distinguished gentlemen?” And yes, I use it ironically. Have you seen me?! I’m practically an albino!)
23. I am, on rare occasions, a smart ass. (wink, wink)
24. I am, on frequent occasions, a pompous ass.
25. I believe the fact that I only got about 5 ½ hours of sleep last night may have slightly affected the tone of this list.
Showing posts with label Introduction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Introduction. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Introducing The Buddhist & The Bastard
Polymathic J: The Octopus’s Garden will often feature blogs written from the perspective of either the Buddhist or the Bastard. While that little “About Me” box to the right explains things a bit, I thought formal introductions might not go amiss. Guys, say hi to everyone.
The Bastard: Seriously? This is the best idea you could come up with today? It’s moronic. First of all, I’m not a little monkey here to amuse people. Second, how cheesy is this shit?
The Buddhist: I don’t know…doesn’t seem so bad to me. And cheesy or not, why can’t “cheesy” and “bad” be mutually exclusive? We like plenty of cheesy movies. And, come to think of it, why is “cheesy” a colloquialism for bad, anyway? Cheese is quite tasty. We’ve got at least three different kinds in the fridge at this very moment.
The Bastard: Jesus, here we go. Please, expound upon the subject of cheese for us. I’m sure the masses will find a cheese lecture to be utterly stimulating.
The Buddhist: No need to get snippy. I was just thinking out loud. Although I must admit to wishing we had some Piave Vecchio. That Pecorino Romano isn’t as good as I’d hoped. Goes quite well with Wheat Thins, though…
The Bastard: Yeah, that Piave is good…dammit, why the hell are we talking about cheese?!
The Buddhist: Well, what would you like to talk about?
The Bastard: How about we talk about how batshit this is? He’s like a ventriloquist with no dummies.
Polymathic J: Hey, leave me out of this. I just wanted to introduce you to everyone. Besides, everyone who knows me is already well aware of the fact that I’ve got a screw loose.
The Bastard: Just one? I’m not the one having a conversation with myself.
The Buddhist: Aren’t you?
The Bastard: No, I—well, kinda. This hurts my brain.
Polymathic J: Ok, I’ll make it easy on you. Why don’t you simply explain a little bit about how you view the world? Buddhist, why don’t you go first?
The Buddhist: Hmmmm, ok. Well, I believe that people are inherently good, but are capable of getting so lost or damaged that they do bad things.
Polymathic J: Care to elaborate?
The Buddhist: Well, imagine that every person is a glass lantern. Everyone has a light within them that shines through the glass.
Polymathic J: I’m with you so far…
The Buddhist: The light never goes out so long as the person lives, but our experiences and the way we live our lives can cause the glass to get dirty. Abuse, addictions, mental disorders…all these things muck up the glass, making the light harder to see. I’m sure there are people out there with glass so dark you might find it hard to believe there’s a light contained within. But it’s there.
The Bastard: Bullshit. What about someone like Hitler?
The Buddhist: I’ve seen footage of Hitler in his last days, and there is a pronounced tremor in his arm. It seems to be indicative of Parkinson’s disease. And I’ve heard that some of Hitler’s early writings suggest that he may have gotten syphilis at some point. Syphilis has been known to cause serious mental abnormalities, and having one’s body fail oneself when the brain has already experienced great insult is bound to leave one with anger issues.
The Bastard: So you think Hitler killed over six million Jews because he was upset that he had Parkinson’s and some skank gave him VD?
The Buddhist: No, I’m simply saying that those may have been contributing factors. I’ve also heard that his personal physician got him hooked on daily injections of amphetamines and other goodies. High doses of amphetamines are known to cause psychosis. One or more of these issues may have exacerbated pre-existing problems derived from genetic or environmental factors. This does not excuse his actions, of course. I merely seek to offer possible (partial) explanations for what he did. Don’t forget that he was once an artist. He wanted to be a painter, but either didn’t have the natural gift or the tenacity to excel at it. Regardless, that speaks of a certain sensitivity that most people would not believe that he possessed. How horrible would it be if Hitler was a good man driven mad by disappointment and exposure to a lowly bacterium? That would be a tragedy to make even Sophocles weep.
The Bastard: Wow, dude. You’re not gonna make many friends defending Hitler.
The Buddhist: I simply seek to point out that we cannot know everything about a man. Is it not insane to desire the death of an entire race of people? If you believe it is, and if you believe that an insane man is not responsible for his actions (as I do), then should that man not be viewed with pity, rather than hatred?
Polymathic J: I am totally going to get hate mail for this.
The Buddhist: That may be, but I refuse to silence myself simply because my views defy convention. If anything, that’s all the more reason to share them. There is enough hate in this world. Perhaps it would be a better place if we attempted to understand what is unknown to us, especially when what is unknown makes us uncomfortable. His actions were obviously repellant and misguided, but hating him does nothing to change what he did.
Polymathic J: Ooookay. We better move on before the death threats start. Bastard?
The Bastard: Isn’t my name self-explanatory? I’m a jerk. I think people are selfish, self-absorbed pieces of crap. Give your average human a choice between helping themselves and helping someone else, and they’re going to help themselves 99.9% of the time.
The Buddhist: Do you include yourself in that?
The Bastard: Of course. I may be a bastard, but I’m an honest bastard. I find it hard to see why I should help someone when they wouldn’t even consider helping me. You gotta look out for Numero Uno. No one else will. Don’t forget that I’m a delivery driver. I rely on the kindness of strangers for a living, and it’s a poor living indeed.
The Buddhist: But what if the people you deliver to can’t afford to tip you well? Shouldn’t you consider their situation, rather than just your own?
The Bastard: I could say the same thing about them. If they don’t have the money to tip, then they should come to the store and pick up their pizzas themselves. Instead, they do what’s convenient for them, and say “Screw that guy bringing the pizza. He should get a better job.” That’s humanity in a nutshell: “Screw him; his problems are his fault, so why should I help?”
The Buddhist: I must admit that that attitude is disturbingly prevalent in today’s society.
The Bastard: You’re damn right it is. So why should I be kind, if it’s just going to lead to people taking advantage of me?
The Buddhist: Well, you’ve got one thing that many people do not have: an awareness of the problem. How can one fix a problem when one is unaware of it? Perhaps you should lead by example. Perhaps your kindness could illuminate the issue for others by providing a contrast to the norm. Perhaps you should listen to Gandhi’s words: “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
The Bastard: Fuck that. That’s your job.
The Buddhist: Touché.
Polymathic J: I think that’ll do for now. Say goodbye, guys.
The Buddhist & The Bastard: “Goodbye, guys.”
The Bastard: Seriously? This is the best idea you could come up with today? It’s moronic. First of all, I’m not a little monkey here to amuse people. Second, how cheesy is this shit?
The Buddhist: I don’t know…doesn’t seem so bad to me. And cheesy or not, why can’t “cheesy” and “bad” be mutually exclusive? We like plenty of cheesy movies. And, come to think of it, why is “cheesy” a colloquialism for bad, anyway? Cheese is quite tasty. We’ve got at least three different kinds in the fridge at this very moment.
The Bastard: Jesus, here we go. Please, expound upon the subject of cheese for us. I’m sure the masses will find a cheese lecture to be utterly stimulating.
The Buddhist: No need to get snippy. I was just thinking out loud. Although I must admit to wishing we had some Piave Vecchio. That Pecorino Romano isn’t as good as I’d hoped. Goes quite well with Wheat Thins, though…
The Bastard: Yeah, that Piave is good…dammit, why the hell are we talking about cheese?!
The Buddhist: Well, what would you like to talk about?
The Bastard: How about we talk about how batshit this is? He’s like a ventriloquist with no dummies.
Polymathic J: Hey, leave me out of this. I just wanted to introduce you to everyone. Besides, everyone who knows me is already well aware of the fact that I’ve got a screw loose.
The Bastard: Just one? I’m not the one having a conversation with myself.
The Buddhist: Aren’t you?
The Bastard: No, I—well, kinda. This hurts my brain.
Polymathic J: Ok, I’ll make it easy on you. Why don’t you simply explain a little bit about how you view the world? Buddhist, why don’t you go first?
The Buddhist: Hmmmm, ok. Well, I believe that people are inherently good, but are capable of getting so lost or damaged that they do bad things.
Polymathic J: Care to elaborate?
The Buddhist: Well, imagine that every person is a glass lantern. Everyone has a light within them that shines through the glass.
Polymathic J: I’m with you so far…
The Buddhist: The light never goes out so long as the person lives, but our experiences and the way we live our lives can cause the glass to get dirty. Abuse, addictions, mental disorders…all these things muck up the glass, making the light harder to see. I’m sure there are people out there with glass so dark you might find it hard to believe there’s a light contained within. But it’s there.
The Bastard: Bullshit. What about someone like Hitler?
The Buddhist: I’ve seen footage of Hitler in his last days, and there is a pronounced tremor in his arm. It seems to be indicative of Parkinson’s disease. And I’ve heard that some of Hitler’s early writings suggest that he may have gotten syphilis at some point. Syphilis has been known to cause serious mental abnormalities, and having one’s body fail oneself when the brain has already experienced great insult is bound to leave one with anger issues.
The Bastard: So you think Hitler killed over six million Jews because he was upset that he had Parkinson’s and some skank gave him VD?
The Buddhist: No, I’m simply saying that those may have been contributing factors. I’ve also heard that his personal physician got him hooked on daily injections of amphetamines and other goodies. High doses of amphetamines are known to cause psychosis. One or more of these issues may have exacerbated pre-existing problems derived from genetic or environmental factors. This does not excuse his actions, of course. I merely seek to offer possible (partial) explanations for what he did. Don’t forget that he was once an artist. He wanted to be a painter, but either didn’t have the natural gift or the tenacity to excel at it. Regardless, that speaks of a certain sensitivity that most people would not believe that he possessed. How horrible would it be if Hitler was a good man driven mad by disappointment and exposure to a lowly bacterium? That would be a tragedy to make even Sophocles weep.
The Bastard: Wow, dude. You’re not gonna make many friends defending Hitler.
The Buddhist: I simply seek to point out that we cannot know everything about a man. Is it not insane to desire the death of an entire race of people? If you believe it is, and if you believe that an insane man is not responsible for his actions (as I do), then should that man not be viewed with pity, rather than hatred?
Polymathic J: I am totally going to get hate mail for this.
The Buddhist: That may be, but I refuse to silence myself simply because my views defy convention. If anything, that’s all the more reason to share them. There is enough hate in this world. Perhaps it would be a better place if we attempted to understand what is unknown to us, especially when what is unknown makes us uncomfortable. His actions were obviously repellant and misguided, but hating him does nothing to change what he did.
Polymathic J: Ooookay. We better move on before the death threats start. Bastard?
The Bastard: Isn’t my name self-explanatory? I’m a jerk. I think people are selfish, self-absorbed pieces of crap. Give your average human a choice between helping themselves and helping someone else, and they’re going to help themselves 99.9% of the time.
The Buddhist: Do you include yourself in that?
The Bastard: Of course. I may be a bastard, but I’m an honest bastard. I find it hard to see why I should help someone when they wouldn’t even consider helping me. You gotta look out for Numero Uno. No one else will. Don’t forget that I’m a delivery driver. I rely on the kindness of strangers for a living, and it’s a poor living indeed.
The Buddhist: But what if the people you deliver to can’t afford to tip you well? Shouldn’t you consider their situation, rather than just your own?
The Bastard: I could say the same thing about them. If they don’t have the money to tip, then they should come to the store and pick up their pizzas themselves. Instead, they do what’s convenient for them, and say “Screw that guy bringing the pizza. He should get a better job.” That’s humanity in a nutshell: “Screw him; his problems are his fault, so why should I help?”
The Buddhist: I must admit that that attitude is disturbingly prevalent in today’s society.
The Bastard: You’re damn right it is. So why should I be kind, if it’s just going to lead to people taking advantage of me?
The Buddhist: Well, you’ve got one thing that many people do not have: an awareness of the problem. How can one fix a problem when one is unaware of it? Perhaps you should lead by example. Perhaps your kindness could illuminate the issue for others by providing a contrast to the norm. Perhaps you should listen to Gandhi’s words: “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
The Bastard: Fuck that. That’s your job.
The Buddhist: Touché.
Polymathic J: I think that’ll do for now. Say goodbye, guys.
The Buddhist & The Bastard: “Goodbye, guys.”
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