What a Load of Crap: The Bastard Mocks a Relationship Article

Another recycled blog, this time from December 27th, 2009.

I love to read articles claiming to have all the answers about how men and women should interact with each other. Every now and then, the advice is actually quite good. Usually, however, the articles are utter tripe, sometimes in a funny way and other times in the most appalling manner. The latest article I’ve read (10 Things a Husband Should Never Do) is just horribly, horribly bad. Not only is the advice questionable and superficial, but the tone of the article has “bitch” written all over it. I have reprinted the article, with my commentary in italics. The original article can be found here: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/10-things-husbands-should-never-do-552285/

Guys, we love you, we really do. But as wonderful as you are, every so often you do something that makes us want to jump out the nearest window (or push you out first). Please, please, don’t ever…
Uh, ok… You want men to listen to you, but you tell us that we make you want to push us out of a window? I’m listening, but only because I’m afraid for myself and my bunny…
1. Offer to “babysit” your own kids. When your 16-year-old neighbor does it, it’s called babysitting. When a parent does it, it’s called child care, and it lasts for at least 18 years. Get it?
Get this: a freshman psychology major has more sense than you. Want us to listen? Drop the attitude. And honestly, this is simply semantics. Whether we call it babysitting or child care, we’re offering to take care of the kids while you do your own thing. Shut the hell up and go have fun before we change our minds.
2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. At the end of a hard day, there may be smoke coming out of your ears, but let’s face it: You’ve basically been sitting on your butt. That same smoke is coming out of our ears too—but we’ve cleaned the house, shuttled the kids around, run errands all over town and lugged grocery bags besides. When we say we’re exhausted, we are exhausted.
First of all, using your mind can be just as exhausting as using your body. Second, way to break free of gender stereotypes, Mrs. Cleaver. What is this, 1950? While there are still plenty of stay-at-home moms out there, most couples these days contain two working parents, meaning that, at the end of the day, both parents have “just” been sitting on their butts (and let’s not forget that there are stay-at-home dads out there, too). If you are fortunate enough to have a husband or wife who makes enough money to provide for the entire family, perhaps you should try thanking them for allowing you to stay home and take care of your kids instead of sending them to some strangers at day care. Unless of course you see your children as just another chore, as you seem to. If that’s the case, then your husband/wife should divorce your frigid ass and find someone who actually wants to be a parent to your children. And by the way, I agree that implying that office work is harder than housework is unfair. But don’t act like the guys is a lazy bum because you’re doing all the things he doesn’t have time to do. You SHARE the load. Quit bitching and do your share.
3. Give a home appliance as a gift. Forgive us if we can’t work it up for this one. A new washing machine? Really? Can we get you some new snow tires?
As someone who just paid $450 for tires, yeah, I’d love it if you’d buy me some tires. Maybe someone should take your washer away and make you go to the river to wash your clothes. Want that washing machine back now?
4. Buy us the “cougar” perfume. Under our crew-neck sweaters may beat the heart of an untamed vixen—but most of us don’t want to smell like one. (Nice try, though.)
This is so stupid that the only reason I’m commenting on it is to point out how moronic it is.
5. Brag about your driving. This is supposed to let us know that ours isn’t so great. If my husband tells me one more time that he’s been “accident-free since 1978,” I’m going to reach over, grab the wheel and make the car swerve into something, just to shut him up.
I am a good driver. And I’m proud of it. Mentioning it has nothing to do with you. This may come as a shock, but we don’t spend all day thinking of obscure, passive-aggressive ways to criticize you. That’s your job, apparently. Quit finding things to get pissed about and save your anger for something that deserves it.
6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. I don’t know whose fault this is (Food Network? Julie and Julia?), but every so often we get the idea that it would be fun to make stock and spend the day basting. If the result is less than earth-shattering, say something nice anyway.
Holy shit! Something I agree with! I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.
7. Buy clothes without trying them on. We know that the second you get into a department store you start to feel faint, but do us a favor and take the extra five minutes. Otherwise, you know who gets stuck with the returns?
No. I hate trying things on. You never know who’s put their nasty ass in those jeans before you did. I’ll take them home, wash them, and then try them on. If they don’t fit, I’ll take them back. If you’re enough of a doormat to return your husband’s things for him, then that’s your problem, not his. Grow a pair and make him fix his own mistakes.
8. Know it all, especially in public. Oh, honey. While you’re going on at length about whatever it is, we’re taking the temperature of the room, and we know everyone’s starting to fidget.
Oh, honey. This is funny, coming from someone who sounds like a know-it-all who writes for the public. Ironyyyyyyyy. Drop the patronizing tone, and just tell your spouse, as nicely as possible, that he’s making an ass of himself.
9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. Sometimes getting a new cut goes well; sometimes it doesn’t. Usually we know the difference. Don’t rub it in.
We’re not “rubbing it in;” we’re just stupid enough to think you want honesty. If you don’t want our opinion then don’t ask for it. It’s that simple.
10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Umm…it’s your house too, right? For now, we’ll give you the bronze. Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you can pick up a gold.
I am so glad you’re not my wife. I don’t even know you and I keep hoping that someone drops a house on you. If your spouse is trying to help out, then be thankful. A lot of men (and women) don’t bother. Odds are he’s like a kid who drew his mom a picture for the fridge; he just wants a little pat on the head and maybe a treat. Is that so bad? Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you won’t sound like a bitter, spiteful bitch who allowed her husband to convince her to give up her dreams to become a mother instead. And really, whose fault is that, ultimately?

Grrrrr… Perhaps you think I’m misogynistic after reading this. Untrue. I just hate when people, out of all the things that there are to complain about in this world, pick this kind of petty bullshit to whine about. And I'm appalled that this woman is gainfully employed as a writer while I'm delivering pizzas.
In fact, I strongly believe that, if it’s possible, one parent should work and the other parent should stay home. I don’t want strangers taking care of my kids if I can help it. And I’m perfectly happy staying at home if my future wife makes more than me and it’s enough to live off of (and if my current girlfriend and I stay together and she becomes a neurologist as she’s planning, then that’s exactly what will happen…assuming we have kids). I have no problem with not being the provider, because I’m not fool enough to hinge my self-worth upon whether or not I’m meeting ridiculous and outdated stereotypes of what it means to be a man, husband, or parent.
Want to know what a husband should never do? He should never take his wife for granted. He should never forget things that are important to her, like birthdays and anniversaries. He should never stop making his wife feel like she’s the only one for him. He should never be afraid to communicate his thoughts and feelings. He sure as hell should never cheat on her. He should never break important plans for stupid reasons. He should never assume that raising a child is solely the woman’s job. He should never, under any circumstances, suggest that her sister is in any way superior to her. He should never assume that he understands his wife, because there is no way in hell for a male to decipher the female mind. Is that ten? No? Then he should never marry an emasculating, disrespectful woman like the author of this article.
How’s that for good advice?